My resolve has fled into the dark night
And has taken hope with it.
The mystery is
I don’t mind it. Not at all.

Hope is a heavy burden
When it comes with unrealized expectations.
Were my expectations to high?
Too lofty?
Are kindness and compassion
too much to ask for?

I’m indifferent, which is scary.
I’ve always cared too much
Obsessed and worried
And now it doesn’t matter
Grief has owned so much of me
For so long
That indifference feels like a gift!

A beautiful, peaceful gift.
But there is caution here
As I don’t want my heart to grow cold and callous.
I take no pride
In whatever resilience I may possess
I know it is none by Grace
that has carried me through.

I’ve tried so hard
With much stress to my soul
To hold on to anything that was left
Through the years
But with each passing year
I find there is less to hold on to.

Now, I must surrender
To the truth, I’ve been denying.
It used to feel fearful
To glimpse that truth
But now it stands at the door
Like a friend with outstretched arms,
Warm blanket in hand
And an embrace that calls me into healing.
My only choice…
To walk into it.

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